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How to Fight Fairly & Rarely

by Brien Wood

 

The Problematic Pattern

About eighty percent of my practice is helping couples learn how to become better friends and take the toxicity out of their conflict. What I find really interesting is how universal it is for couples to get stuck in a very uncomfortable but familiar, “negative feedback loop”. This is a repetitive, compulsive, and fear based way of interacting when not having your needs met. I will use a case study to illustrate:

Susan’s Frustration

Susan feels exhausted at the end of the day and wants her husband, Jim, to take out the trash. Jim is immersed the middle of a game of Halo. She is also craving Jim’s affection and attention; when he plays video games she wonders if she is important to him. Instead of sharing her more vulnerable, “below the surface emotions”, she attacks, jumping into their, “negative feedback loop.” “You are always playing that dumb video game. That game is more important to you than anything”.

Jim’s Exhaustion

Jim is also exhausted at the end of the day and is unwinding by playing Halo with his friends on line. He plans to take out the trash in the morning when he is fresher. When Susan calls his game stupid, he feels unappreciated, misunderstood, and afraid of her judgment. Instead of sharing his more vulnerable, “below the surface” emotions and needs, he retaliates, escalating their conflict. “Oh right! I see how you are. Nothing is good enough for you!”
And this process continues: The more Susan pushes, the more Jim gets defensive and contemptuous. And the more Jim gets defensive and contemptuous, the more Susan feels unheard, uncared for and attacks back. And round and round they go, never getting to meet, see, feel, or understand what is important behind the attack, or behind the “negative feedback loop”. So dissatisfying!

“But I don’t fight about garbage! We have a great chore cycle.”

The content is always different from couple to couple, but these “negative feedback loops” are somewhat consistent: Attack/attack, attack/defend, attack/withdraw, or combinations of these. The process is kind of like an old and scratched record, playing the same line of a song over and over and over again. How exhausting!!!! The good stuff, the really juicy important stuff, the needs, feelings, fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities never get addressed, expressed, or dealt with. These “negative feedback loops” run the show and keep the relationship dissatisfying and superficial. Because each person is stuck alone in the loop, trying harder and harder to get his/her needs met, each partner ends up feeling uncared for and unknown in the relationship.

The Solution

The trick is to do anything different, to interrupt the “negative feedback loop” that is escalating each partner’s frustration and isolation. This is easy to say and not so easy to do because we are so accustomed to our usual way of relating – most of us jump into the “negative feedback loop” before we even realize that we have chosen to act! In these situations what is usually needed is an outside observer to help each couple see how and what they are doing that gets in the way of having the relationship of their dreams. Once awareness is enhanced, the awareness can be used to practice responding differently to feelings and needs.

Seeing the Bigger Picture: The Systemagram

In my practice I like to draw what I call a systemagram. This visually depicts the “negative feedback loop” on the surface, so that each partner can see the specific things that they say and do as part of the cycling negativity. Then, below the surface we identify all the needs, feelings, fears, and dreams of each partner that did not get expressed in the old feedback cycle. The goal is to bring awareness to these feelings and needs so that they can be expressed instead of voicing the old, negative, surface reactions. As long as you can focus on the emotions below the surface, you are a step closer to getting your needs met and breaking out of the habitual way of responding to your partner. Usually this means stripping your relationship of defensiveness and criticism, and replacing these with the softness and vulnerability of your needs, feelings, fears, and dreams.

“Does this guarantee that my partner will give me what I want?”

No, but it does increase your chance of being heard, it breaks the old cycle, and takes you a step closer to feeling known and understood. And this can lead to creativity, friendship, self empowerment, competence, and the relationship you have been dreaming of. For example, if Susan would have shared her underlining needs, feelings, and fears, she would be in a better position to get her partner to be responsive and available to her. She could have used her anger and disappointment as a cue that she needed to take a breath and check in with her self. Once she had an idea of what she was feeling, she could have shared it softly: “Jim honey, I know you are enjoying your game, but I am feeling overwhelmed, missing you, and really need your help right now. Would you be willing to stop playing and sit with me?”

Jim may say no to Susan, but Susan has broken their pattern of jumping into an attack/defend negative feedback loop, creating the space for both Susan and Jim to be more gentle with each other and share their primary experiences. And if you think about what you would prefer from your partner - a lion or a lamb – you can see how changing the cycle can lead to a much more peaceful relationship and potentially the relationship of your dreams.